Always Wanted But Never to Have
by xBooxBooxBear
Summary: A sad little one-shot that looks back at Cullen's love life from Dragon Age Origins which leads up to when he joins the Inquisition and likes the Herald.


**A/N: This is my first time writing something that isn't Pitcest x3 as well as my first time writing a Dragon Age fic. **

**I've been playing Dragon Age: Inquisition a lot lately and I keep re-falling in love with Cullen. Seeing him with the Inquisitor makes me happy after all in DA:O and having the mage he likes end up with Alistair (in my game anyways) so I wrote a little something about how Cullen wanted the Warden but couldn't have her and then leading into the kiss scene with the Herald. Also, I gave the warden and the Herald names based off my games. Sorry :{ Enjoy and Review!**

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><p>Cullen walked along the corridors of the Circle of Magi until he reached his post. He watched the mages with a cautious eye, ready to attack at any moment if they became an abomination. The mages glanced back at him with the same look but kept on their way.<p>

He stood there quietly for a few minutes until a familiar pair, Jowan and Ellie, came down the corridor. Cullen gasped lightly as he straightened up and looked important. Jowan looked nervously at Cullen while Ellie smiled sweetly at him. Cullen gulped nervously and tried to smile back which resulted into an awkward grin. Ellie just giggled as they walked past him. He watched her walk by as his heart skipped a beat.

Ellie was First Enchanter Irving's star pupil. She was so full of potential that everyone looked up to her and who wouldn't? She was a beautiful human with great magic. She was sweet to all (even to templars) and caring. She was a remarkable lady but he knew she was out of his reach. Not that she was out of his league but because she was a mage. Templars and Mages weren't ever meant to be. Templars were meant to protect mages and everyone from them. It couldn't ever be but he wished with all his might that it would be. She was the one thing he wanted but could never have.

It turned out that he was right. Ellie ended up passing her Harrowing and was no longer an apprentice. But when her friend, Jowan ended up using blood magic to run away with his lover, Lily, she was blamed for helping him. Despite that she was doing it under Irving's orders. A Grey Warden commander by the name of Duncan ended up recruiting her for the wardens and she left without saying so much as a goodbye to Cullen.

The young Templar never thought he would see Ellie again until a few months later. The Circle Tower ended up in catastrophe as one of the high-ranked mages, Uldred, unleashed hell and started converting the mages to blood magic and turning them, as well as templars, into abominations. Cullen was captured and tortured. Every day they would play with his mind and taunted him with Ellie. Each time they played with his mind, he felt his heart break and bend but he had to remind himself to stay strong. It was hard though. They sifted through his thoughts and tempted him with the one thing he always wanted but couldn't have. He'd cry out and growl at them to stop before he convinced himself that it wasn't real. That was until one day. Ellie appeared before him again but this time she didn't disappear when he tried to cast away the trick. She was still there in the flesh and she was there to save him.

It wasn't until she had saved Irving and beaten Uldred that he realized that Ellie didn't return to the tower for him. No. She returned only to save some Arl's son from a demon possession as well as to invoke the Grey Warden treaties for the mages to help with the Blight. She didn't come for him. Not only did that hurt him but she was involved with someone else. The bastard-Prince Alistair, heir to the throne of Ferelden. Of course, she would be with someone like him. A prince was better than a Templar. Even a bastard Prince at that. His heart truly shattered that day. He ended up leaving Ferelden and joined the templars in Kirkwall.

Cullen woke with a start from the relived memory. He sat up from his bed and brought a hand to his temples and closed his eyes. He was used to having relived memories torment him each night. After everything he had been through in Ferelden and Kirkwall it's no wonder why. But most of the time he was visited by nightmares from the days of torture in the Ferelden Circle. It had been awhile since he had a dream about Ellie.

After he left for Kirkwall, she was on his mind all the time. She was the talk of Thedas. Not only did she stop the blight and kill the archdemon but now she was married to the King of Ferelden. Her name was on everyone's lips then, even in Kirkwall, so it was hard to get away from her even when he wasn't in his home country.

Cullen managed to temporarily keep her off his mind at Kirkwall with the fuss of the Templar and Mage war going on about. She would only seep into his mind during his relived memories and once again he would feel the agony he felt when she left.

Things were different now. He hardly ever thought of her now that he left Kirkwall and was Commander of the Inquisition. His mind was so preoccupied with the Inquisition that she never seemed to invade until last night. It had been the first in years since she seeped into his dreams and at an ironic time. Cullen had managed to push Ellie away the day he met Aereio, a dalish elf with a mark on her left hand that gave her the ability to close the rifts the cluttered Thedas. Because of that mark, or the Anchor as it had been called by the monster that created it, she was known as the Herald of Andraste and eventually became leader of the Inquisition.

She was pretty pale and petite, like all elves, with short snow-blonde hair that was swept up into a ponytail with curled pieces framing her round face. She had dark brown eyes and a tree tattooed on her forehead that went above the bridge of her nose. She was stunning to say in the least, like most elves were, but there was something about her that captivated him. She was strong and smart with a clever tongue. She was a powerful mage; able to perform some very powerful spells and use magic he had never seen before. She didn't seem to hold a grudge against humans like most elves did. She liked everyone and everyone liked her which was good when you led an army.

Cullen had found himself watching from the corner of his eye as she wandered about Haven. She was hardly there since she was busy helping the Inquisition recruit agents and resources as well as closing rifts and solving the problems of Thadas. When she was in Haven, however; she would always come to the training yard and chat with the Commander. He would tell her of his reports on some situations or give her his opinion on things she asked about or occasionally flirt with him which left him blushing red.

He knew he had feelings for her but he didn't realize how strong they were until Haven was destroyed and Aereio disappeared under the avalanche she caused to save everyone from Corypheus' attack. He worried endlessly over her disappearance. A few times he led a search party to go out and look for he but the snow storm was too much for his men. She was presumed dead which nearly tore his heart apart until he saw her stumbling towards the camp, half-frozen. He felt his heart race at the side of her and he rushed to her side. He managed to grab her as soon as she collapsed and he swept her away towards one of the tents. He realized then that he cared for her deeply and never wanted to lose her again. Despite that he had yet to tell her of his feelings.

All day Cullen was able to distract himself from the dream with reports from the Inquisition scouts but by miday-afternoon, the reports stopped and he had finished most of his work for the day. Ellie seeped back into his mind and he glanced out the window of his office and he sighed. He closed his eyes and tried to push the memory out. Fortunately for him, the door opened which pulled him from his mind. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Aereio had entered. His brown eyes widened a little as he turned to face her and straightened up.

"At your service, Inquisitor." He greeted her.

Aereio smiled as she strolled towards him. "There's no need to be so formal, Cullen."

"I apologize." He gulped, nervously. "Was there something you needed?"

Her smile fell slightly. She glanced down at the floor then back up at him, nervously. "I thought we could talk? Alone?"

His eyes widened a bit. She was acting a littlenervous which was unlike her which made him anxious. Since when was the mighty Herald of Andraste ever nervous?

"Alone? I mean, of course."

She smiled softly and led him outside along the battlements. They walked together, side by side in awkward silence.

Cullen scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously as he tried to break the usual awkwardness. "It's a nice day."

She glanced at him. "What?"

They stopped in their tracks and looked at each other.

"It's...there was something you wished to discuss?" he asked, his hand falling to rub his neck.

"Cullen, I care for you and..." She sighed heavily and glanced away.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

"You left the templars, but do you trust mages?" She met his eyes with worry forming in her brown ones. "Could you think of me as anything more?"

"I could, I mean, I do...think of you. And what I might do in this sort of situation." He frowned and bowed his head as he brought his hand to his face as he realized he was messing this all up. His shoulders fell as he started to walk away in defeat.

She followed him then she stopped and glanced at him. Her back against the battlements wall. "What's stopping you?

He looked at her surprised that she still wanted to carry on the conversation. He was glad. This meant he hadn't screwed it up. "You're the Inquisitor. We're at war. And you-" He took a couple of cautious steps towards her. "I didn't think it was possible."

She smiled softly at him and shrugged her shoulders lightly. "And yet I'm still here."

He smiled and moved in closer towards her. "So you are."

He leaned towards her. Their faces inches away while he slowly moved his lips closer to hers as he spoke softly. "It seems too much to ask but I want to-"

Suddenly the door from the battlements slammed open and a voice called out for Cullen.

"Commander!"

A scout walked towards them with his eyes glued to the papers in his hands. Cullen and Aereio sighed as they were interrupted.

"You wanted a copy of Sister Liliana's reports." The scout reminded him.

Cullen turned angrily around and glared at the reporter.

"What?" He snarled.

"Sister Liliana's reports. You wanted them 'without delay'." he lifted his eyes up to meet the scowling commander's.

Cullen took a threatening step towards him as he continued to glare at the scout. The reporter looked at him frightened before he peered behind the commander to see the Inquisitor bringing a hand to the side of her face in embarrassment. He glanced between Cullen and Aereio before he realized what was happening.

"Or...to your office...right." He backed away cautiously as he looked back at the two then ran towards Cullen's office.

Aereio sighed and glanced away. "If you need to-"

She let out a surprised gasp as her eyes widened when she felt Cullen's lips crash into hers. His hands held the side of her face gently as he kissed her with so much passion and desire. Aereio's lids fell and she found herself kissing him back as she placed her hands on his waist.

Cullen slowly broke the kiss as his eyelids fluttered open.

"I'm sorry." he slowly pulled away but kept their faces close. "That was, um, really nice."

Aereio looked at him a little worried. "You don't regret it, do you?"

"No!" Cullen blurted before he relaxed and smiled. "No. Not at all!"

The Herald smiled as she leaned up and captured his lips with hers. "I'm glad."

Cullen's heart raced as he held Aereio. Every nerve in his body tingled at her touch and he put in all the passion and desire his heart had for her in that kiss and she returned it with the same amount. They ended up spending the night together and when he awoke from his usual nightmares, Aereio was there to comfort him.

He knew now that he was right in the past. The Hero of Ferelden was someone he could never have because the Maker had sent him The Herald of Andraste and he knew she was his to keep.


End file.
